• Family photography blog

Why I don't have kids...

This is my story

I'm going to jump right into me and my husband's fertility journey and now the conclusion. Quite a few of you are new here so I will recap a bit! Also for you new here, I know this has nothing to do with photography but it has a whole lot to do with me, and I am this company. I also talked quite a bit about our fertility troubles in my newsletters before to create awareness as it is SO common and no one should feel alone! Ever.

Also, I'm sure every single one of you wondered why I didn't have kids over the years as I am so good with them and love them so much. So, here we go...

* 2011 we went off birth control. We were in no rush to get pregnant so we just 'went with it'. We actually both were 50/50 about even having kids but thought if there was ever a 'good time' that would be it.

*Every month for 3 years I cried when we were not pregnant. Even though I was 50/50 about having a baby, it hit me hard every damn month.

*We both put a lot of extra focus on our work/business and each other over those years and that was a crucial expansion and growth time for me and My City Photos.

*My husband then fell off a roof at work (he put sheet metal on buildings) and his harness saved his life. He was off work for a good while and then we finally convinced him to go back to school to do what he always dreamed of doing. Being a storyboard artist (he now works for Disney and draws Spiderman all day...he is amazing to say the least).

*I supported us for a few years as he went to school and started to get work (thank goodness for that extra focus I could put on my business!) and all the while we were still not on birth control and I was actually REALLY happy we hadn't gotten pregnant as the chances of him going back to school would have been very very slim and my business would not have grown as much as it had.

*I started to dread getting pregnant, what would we do.

*We went back and forth for years about even wanting kids. Yes one day, no the next. It was exhausting at times and so confusing. but then it's not like we even had a choice in the end right?? That is still a hard pill to swallow, I feel like we never really had a 'choice'.

*I turn 39 - time is ticking to safely get pregnant.

*We go on vacation and have a serious heart to heart for the first time in a few years about what we both really wanted, no matter what our situation. We both agreed that we would like to seek professional help to at least figure out WHY we weren't getting pregnant and to see if we could get pregnant with some help. We didn't really do this before as we were 50/50 about it and life got busy.

*It's now 2019, it's been 8 years since this all started.

*Tests showed we are both totally healthy, no reason why we weren't getting pregnant. Swimmers were a bit slow so we did what we could to rectify that. I have eggs galore even for my age. So it was all a mystery.

*We went to PCRM (fertility clinic) and even went to a Chinese herbalist.

*We did one round of IUI (not as intense as IVF) but still super stressful to say the least.

*We did all of the 'tracking' and everything else we were told to do. All of this was happening at the beginning of 2019.

*Nothing we were doing was working. IVF was not an option as we could not afford it and honestly, we wouldn't do it anyway if we could afford it. Its even more intense and the chances are so slim, we would rather adopt. But I'll tell you what it did do...it made us both very depressed. We were not happy with anything going on in our lives and we were drifting apart. Going through something like that is super intense and fucking lame. Sorry for the F bomb but, it needs to be there.

*April 2019 we celebrated our 7-year wedding anniversary. We had reconnected by this point and once again had a serious conversation about what we wanted in our life. And we both agreed and were on the same page. When I asked my husband what we would tell people when they asked about what was going on, he said, were just "letting it be".

*Then I turned 40

*And we are 'Letting it be' and we both could not be happier.

*I can truly say I am so extremely happy with where we are together and individually. Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to have a little person running around but at the same time, I'm SO glad I don't. I love my work, my husband and my dog. It all truly fulfills me and I don't 'yearn' for a child. I actually never have. Seeing soooo many families every week fills that 'kid void' for me and to be honest, I get all of the best parts, I get to play and have fun with kids for a living!! I have nieces and a nephew too! So in the end, I'm making the best of my situation that I didn't actually have much control over but I'm not going to sit here and let that get the best of me. I now have more time and energy to give to other kids, your kids! And I know I would not be the photographer I am today if I had kids of my own. I wouldn't have the energy, time or probably the amazing patience that I have now!

So maybe, in the end, this does have to do with my business...as I am my business and my journey, adventures and life lessons have made me the woman and the photographer that I am today!

Thanks for reading!! And if your new here, here is my website

This is me, my amazing husband Kyle Manske and our adorable Beagle Bean.

Until next time,

:) LL

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